Bringing your baby home after death, or to die, is becoming a more common thing to do for families who want special time with their baby outside the hospital and/or funeral home time. The stories of healing and peaceful family times are many and growing. It is a comfortable setting that allows a more way to involve siblings who may be afraid when in the hospital. In most every state and country, this is a parent's right, though it is not always explained as an option. Some countries - New Zealand, Holland and most developing countries do this standardly. Some cultures - many Indigenous people and the Amish, for example, take care of their own loved ones after death. You may want to learn about this option so you make informed decisions and reduce the chance for regrets.
Still Life with Baby Elizabeth Heineman The official pronouncement of Thor’s death came an hour after his delivery, but I’d known he was dead since he’d come out without a pulse. If they’d been able to resuscitate him, someone would have told me.
The hospital staff said we could have him for half an hour.
Once upon a time, stillborn babies were whisked away and the mothers didn’t see them. But now hospitals let parents hold their stillborn babies, so they can say goodbye.
No one seems to understand that first they have to say hello.
This is the story of how I said hello to my stillborn son. Not for half an hour like the hospital staff wanted. Not for the six hours I negotiated when they could give me no good reason for the half hour limit. No: this is the story of how I said hello to my stillborn son in the days that followed, in visits to the funeral parlor, in his visits to our home, which should have been his... Read more at © New Millennieum Writings
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If your baby is going to die
If your baby is going to die, but is still alive and being cared for at the hospital, you probably have the right to take her/him home. The palliative care and perinatal hospice movement in the US and other countries is making it easier for parents to be at home with their baby in the end times...prior to death.
Hospital staff may be able to offer suggestions on how to make this a special time, teach you about comfort care, and be available via phone if you need some help. Invite others to support you with this as you may decide, like some parents, that you want your baby held in loving arms for all or much of the rest of their lives. This can get hard as you will need your rest, so ask others to be there to support you and relive you when it is needed. Love ones and close friends can share in this, which helps them have special memories to cherish. There are wonderful books and websites to help you with this. www.PerinatalHospice.org and books such as Waiting with Gabriel and The Gift of Time, both by Amy Kuelbeck and Deborah Davis.
If your baby has died
Many, many people in other countries and lately in the U.S. (as well as certain cultures and all of our ancestors until recently) have found it healing and meaningful to have their loved children with them at home after death. In fact, the stories and healthy grieving that we have seen with families who had this special, private, extended time with their baby has been described as 'The most important thing we did with our child during this difficult time following their death.' While others may question it because they have little experience with it, do give this idea serious thought. You will never have your child in his/her own room again (whether it is during your pregnancy or afterwards if your older infant has died.) This is it. Keep your options open and know that you may be able to change your mind up to a certain point in the process. It is possible that something may change or you may change your mind.
If you had your baby at home, this is not an issue. You will probably know or learn what you need to do to spend some special time together before either contacting a funeral director, cemetery, or crematorium.
Even though your baby has died and is in the hospital with you, you may have more rights than you realize. Except for unusual circumstances, you can probably bring your baby home for awhile (there are a few states that over control parents' options.* And if your baby died during labor at home, you should be able to have some extra time there with him or her.
Remember, this is the only time you get, for the rest of your earthly life, to be able to cuddle and be with your baby. It is normal and very healing to do those parenting rituals of putting the baby in the crib, taking pictures of him/her and your family throughout the house, holding a memorial service in your living room or the backyard, rocking your baby for hours in the chair, playing your favorite music, involving smell - lavender, baby lotion, or shampoo. For a long while, you will associate this smell with your baby. This may be especially important if there was trauma and even a death scene in your home. Gaining some peaceful memories as your last ones might be very healing.
If your baby died as an infant, you would have to call the para-medics or police. In this case, they may take your baby away immediately. It may be that only after an autopsy are you able to bring your baby back home for a little while.
If you are Amish, Indigenous, or live in countries like Holland and New Zealand, being at home with your baby after death (or any loved relative) is standard fare. However, many other places it may be viewed as unusual or even weird. The U.S. media went crazy recently when a presidential candidate and his wife shared that they brought their son Gabriel home to ‘meet’ the other children for a bit before they had a funeral and buried him. There was little understanding or sympathy for them, instead they suffered much derision and nasty press.
In the early years of every country in the world, families stayed together after death; of course, this still happens in most developing countries. Family members, including children, held, touched, dressed their loved one, prepared their body, and even dug their graves.
These days parents may have their child at home, though in some states and countries only with the help of funeral directors (who are usually great people offering sensitive care and services often for reduced fees or even for free in many communities). Driving your baby home from the hospital occasionally requires a document and driving across state lines requires a transportation permit which is easy to get. Some hospitals create rules against bringing your deceased baby home yourself and they may even have rules requiring that the remains of miscarried babies be handed off to funeral homes, not parents (because of perceived legal concerns.) For the time being, until we ban together and change this, your options may be limited, but it does not hurt to assert yourself if this is important for you and your family to do.
Watch an amazing You Tube video of how David and Emma say goodbye to their baby Darrius in their home. Thanks to www.SacredCrossing.com for making this available and helping this couple create a special ceremony. |
* There are some states that restrict families' rights to funeral privacy and some or all family involvement: Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Michigan, Nebraska, and New Jersey. The well-informed organization, Final Rights, helps people learn how to fight for their ‘final rights’ with their loved one. www.finalrights.org
Download our free Bring Baby Home brochure which helps explain why and how to bring your baby home if you wish. It is very practical and can be given to family and friends to help them understand this option. Also visit the new site www.BringYourBabyHome.com which also offers advice, brochures, a newsletter, a video of mothers’ stories about having their baby at home, and more.
In the upcoming book Beyond the Bombshell** currently being written by Stephanie Azri and Sherokee Ilse, many stories are shared and specific gentle, forthright advice is given. Stephanie writes, "Keeping your baby home after his death is an option in most countries with a minimum of organization. Spending some time with your baby in hospital is certainly possible and even recommended by grief specialists in most places.
Reading about other people’s experiences in books and various support groups will give you an insight into whether it is may be a positive alternative for your family. For many parents of young children, the option of taking your baby home is appealing. Indeed, children under eight years old would not be able to stay at the hospital for a long time. Second, many things can be done more comfortably in the privacy and love of our home, such as skin-to-skin contact, dancing, photos and story telling. Obviously, parents have to realize that taking their baby home is not a way ‘to pretend’ their baby is alive but to prepare themselves for saying their goodbyes.
"The decision whether to take your baby home or to spend some time with your child in hospital after his death can sound ‘frightening’ or on the other hand might really appeal to you. I also need to stress that if you would like to take your baby home, some advance planning will be needed. You will need to contact your hospital social worker or counselor and to choose and contact a funeral director and complete some legal paperwork beforehand.
"When I walked into the bedroom Stephanie was sitting on the bed holding Talina.I sat next to her and we sat there just looking at Talina and soaking her in. It wasn’t something I had planned to do but it felt so natural and so beautiful. She was so perfect and I stroked her little brow and her tufts of hair. It was nice to be able to say all those usual things we say when someone has a baby like, ‘Doesn’t she look like her brother!’ And ‘Look at her little hands’.
“I am so glad I spent the first night with my baby boy. After they took him the next day, he was different. He just looked more like a doll than my baby and he was so cold. I will forever remember that night of cuddling and staring at him as a magical moment. I got to really say goodbye to him.”
* If you wish to know when Beyond the Bombshell is complete and/or to order a pre-publication copy, write to us at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .
Still Life with Baby
Elizabeth Heineman
The official pronouncement of Thor’s death came an hour after his delivery, but I’d known he was dead since he’d come out without a pulse. If they’d been able to resuscitate him, someone would have told me.
The hospital staff said we could have him for half an hour.
Once upon a time, stillborn babies were whisked away and the mothers didn’t see them. But now hospitals let parents hold their stillborn babies, so they can say goodbye.
No one seems to understand that first they have to say hello.
This is the story of how I said hello to my stillborn son. Not for half an hour like the hospital staff wanted. Not for the six hours
I negotiated when they could give me no good reason for the half hour limit. No: this is the story of how I said hello to my stillborn son in the days that followed, in visits to the funeral parlor, in his visits to our home, which should have been his...Read more at © New Millennieum Writings