Thinking about another pregnancy or becoming pregnant after a loss is a scary thing. What if it happens again? Or what if you can’t get pregnant again? What if you can’t make a decision or come to an agreement with your partner about this? There are so many questions.
For that reason, Maribeth Doerr and Sherokee wrote a helpful booklet – Another Baby? Maybe…Thirty most frequently asked questions. Another one you may find helpful is When Pregnancy Follows a Loss by Joann O’Leary and Clare Thorwick. Our eZine #7 Subsequent Pregnancy has amazing articles, research, advice, and resources on this important topic.
Your protective shield that helped you stay innocent and naïve has been shattered…and now you may feel very vulnerable. If you become pregnant again, the tendency to keep it a secret and to work at not getting too close to the baby is a common response. Not to set up the baby’s room, not to allow yourself to hope and believe this baby will live is very, very typical. It is probably a fear of loving too much and bonding that motivates parents to move in this direction. They may think if we don't get too close, it won't hurt so much if 'something' happens. This may seem like a good idea, but usually is not. Love is hard to control and compartmentalize like that. You already love and this survival technique may actually be alienating and harmful to you all.
There is another way to look upon this pregnancy and compelling reasons to do so. Babies can hear after 14-15 weeks or so. They may retain the messages of love or fear or distance that come to them while in utero. What if this actually impacts them as a person? We don’t know enough about it.
And while we hope that all goes well, what if they do not make it? Will you regret that you did not get close and show all of your love? That can bring you even more regrets. Instead, give it your all; believe all will work out and love your baby to the fullest for as many minutes, days, weeks, and months as you can. You deserve it.